Sally Shields Relationship Article

June 2008 Issue --> Relationship Article

The 5 Most Common Mistakes that Daughters-in-Law Make and How to Correct Them (How do you get to Carnegie Hall? Practice, practice, practice!!!)

By: Sally Shields

Ladies! There are a few simple things you can avoid that will save you from repeat D.I.L.Z. (Daughter-in-Law Zings) that we all experience from time to time (some of us more than others!). Although these exercises started off as a tongue-in-cheek coping mechanism, once I began putting a few of these strategies into practice, I noticed that my MIL's attitude started to shift. Her softer, gentler, more agreeable side began to emerge and I realized that she actually wanted to be quite helpful and kindly towards me!

The bottom line while you're correcting these "mistakes" is to really and truly learn to appreciate your MIL. After all, she did give birth to your husband and you are forever thankful to her for that! We must try to always give her the benefit of the doubt, and put our stubborn natures aside, Remember, you won't be able to prevent hurtful MIL comments and misunderstandings overnight. This is a process that must be developed over time. It's fun once you get the hang of it, and you will be amazed when you develop a genuine like for one-another! Here goes:

Mistake #1 -- Forget to Call Your Mother-in-Law Regularly -- I know it sounds like a harmless enough thing to do, but you will be amazed at how much she will appreciate it when you keep in touch with her, and not just when your husband calls! Strive to have an independent relationship with her, all on your own.

Solution: Call your Mother-in-Law! Call her at least once a week (pick a day, such as SUNDAY and mark it on your calendar so that you do not forget. You can also call her during the week if something comes up that she might appreciate hearing about, such as your child took her first step or said her first word. You can keep it short, but if you're super-busy, aim for getting her machine, like when you know she'll be at Bingo.

Mistake #2 -- Forget to Frequently Ask Your MIL How She's Feeling -- I know that asking someone how they are feeling seems like a cliché, but you must do this every time you see or speak to her.

Solution: Make sure you take the time to notice how much your MIL's back has been bothering her, and be extra helpful around the house at these times. Keep in mind that it's not easy getting older and aches and pains can make even the best of us ornery as all get go! And as an added touch, offer to accompany your MIL on doctors visits whenever possible. You will be amazed at how much she will appreciate that you took the time to care.

Mistake #3 -- Don't Compliment Her Often Enough --Your MIL can be self-conscious just like you are. And remember, you are younger and hipper than she is, but most importantly, you have her son! So, you must always remember to make her feel good around you.

Solution: Make sure you let her know how pretty, thin, healthy, and young she looks. Say what flattering outfits she's wearing, occasionally asking if you can borrow a certain item of clothing or a purse. Mention that you love her hairstyle, even if she's wearing a hairpiece (especially if she's wearing a hairpiece). In fact, go out and get yourself a hairpiece and you too will appreciate the benefits of "fake hair!"

Mistake #4 -- Forget Your MIL's Special Days, i.e. Birthday, Anniversary and Mother's Day --This sounds like a pretty common sense thing to do, right? You'd be surprised how life gets in the way and you can over look these things. You will be the one to feel terrible about it if your husband forgets as well. In fact, he will most likely forget so you will have to be the one to make sure this gets done, without fail!

Solution: On each of the occasions mentioned above, pick out a Hallmark card with the most heart-wrenching sentiments you can find (preferably about a week or two beforehand). Make sure your husband signs it too. Better yet, have him write the note from the both of you, because receiving a note with only your handwriting on it will make her feel incredibly disappointed thinking that her son has forgotten her special day (even if he probably has!) And be sure to call 1-800-FLOWERS well in advance. You want to make absolutely sure that those long-stem roses arrive on time--not three days after the fact --no no no!!!

Mistake #5 -- Get Defensive with Your MIL -- This is the easiest mistake in the world to make with your MIL! But do yourself a favor and practice not taking things personally, and you will avoid fist-clenching frustration! If for example, you have misplaced an item such as some new teabags you've just bought, you may mumble something to the effect of, "Where the heck are those things? I just had them! They must have upped and walked away on their own!" You MIL may mistakenly think you are accusing her and pounce on you with a self-protective, "Don't look at ME, I didn't do it!"

Solution: Rather than rolling your eyes and glancing askew, uttering defensively, "Look, I didn't say YOU took them, did I?" simply reply breezily something to the effect of, "Oh, I'm just so forgetful these days! Just last week I found my keys in the fridge--I must be losing my mind!" Then take a deep breath, find your missing item and make yourself a nice cup of chamomile. And be sure to graciously offer your MIL a cup as well --but make sure you have her favorite tea bags on hand at all times.

About the Author:Sally Shields is an award-winning pianist, composer, speaker and author of The Daughter-in-Law Rules: 101 Surefire Ways to Manage (and Make Friends with) Your Mother-in-Law! She graduated with honors from the New England Conservatory and was the winner of the 17th annual Great American Jazz Piano Competition. Her book, Modern Jazz Piano is the standard theory manual for several music programs, including Princeton University and Sally's music is currently featured on the ABC TV daytime drama All My Children. When not traveling and performing around the world - most recently with bestselling author and musician James McBride - Sally (a vegetarian) lives in New York City with her husband (not a vegetarian!) and their two children.

Note: Although the relationship with her MIL was rocky at the outset, with the implementation of the devices outlined in The Daughter-in-Law Rules, the two now enjoy a special bond-which got even better, interestingly enough-after her MIL found out she was writing this book! Please visit Sally "The MIL Manager" Shields on the web at www.TheDILRules.com for contest giveaways, free bonus gifts, The DIL Rules newsletter, 44 Top Tips Cheat Sheet … and more!

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The 5 Most Common Mistakes that Daughters-in-Law Make and How to Correct Them (How do you get to Carnegie Hall? Practice, practice, practice!!!) by Sally Shields

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