Judith Sherven and Jim Sniechowski Relationship Article

August 2004 Issue --> Relationship Article

Fertilize Your Love

By: Judith Sherven and Jim Sniechowski

Winter's come and gone. And now, how does your garden grow?

No doubt it's survived some difficult times during these pastmonths, and yet it's still there waiting for you to grab your favorite seeds, a bagof mulch, the trowel, and your flowered gloves so you can transform it intothis year's paradise. That's not unlike the path of progress for romantic relationships. They, too, go through challenging conditions followed bynew times of growth and expansion.

So while the grounds surrounding your home may be calling out forspecial care and attention, we want to take you for a stroll through the flowerbeds of love that live within your home. You'll be pleased with how gardeningcan create marvelous magic even there.

Please join us as we start by introducing the two largest plants inour home.

We met on a blind date. Jim was 45 and twice divorced. Judith was 43and never married. We weren't each other's type and there wasn't instantchemistry.

Yet, on the fourth date, when we first held hands, we knew somethingwas happening that went beyond anything we'd ever experienced or evenimagined. It scared us-and it was thrilling. We didn't yet call it love. It simply announced itself through our holding hands-the heat, the intensity, theenergy of a deeply connected soul-meeting.

It would be several more dates before we had the courage to kiss.And when we did, a tidal wave of emotion took over as Judith began to weepwith joy-for reasons too profound to understand at the time. We couldn't denywhat was happening.

Rather soon, we began to discover how very different we were fromeach other-sort of like Neatly Tended Bonsai (Judith) meets Wildly RangingGrapevine (Jim). We also came to our relationship with deeply tangled roots fromour early years in separate nurseries where we grew from seedling tomaturity, as well as the hot house pressures of trying to coil ourselves up the rigidtrellises of others' expectations.

Meanwhile, neither of us received expert pruning. Judith had been excessively trimmed back while Jim lacked appropriate direction. Hardlystuff for the best cross-fertilization. Yet we were old enough to know that it was inour differences that the soil of love could best be fertilized. The testwould come with our first real fight. If only we could fight for the relationshipand not to win.

We'd known each other four months when we went to Hanford, near the Sierras in Northern California. We had a wonderful time hiking throughthe redwoods, taking photographs of each other, and dancing and watchingfireworks on the 4th of July.

As we paid the hotel bill, Jim saw a notice for a jazz concert a fewmonths later and asked Judith if she'd like to come back for the event.

Judith was silent.

Rather abruptly and a bit too sharply, Jim said, "Okay, we won't."

Shocked and hurt, Judith shot back, "What's wrong with you? I didn'tsay no."

Contempt curled around the edges. The fight was on.

We stalked out to the car, angry and scared, with hundreds of milesto go before the safety of our own homes.

Creepy parasites had burrowed up from the depths-Jim's insecurityand Judith's fear of attack. How would we respond to the pain that nowflooded the blossoming of our togetherness? Would this tender exposure, forced into awareness by the hurricane of misunderstanding, kill or fertilize thenew love that was taking root?

After we'd pouted and snarled a bit, we started settling into thedemands of the storm, realizing that we could either allow the winds to destroy what we had,or we could join together in discovering a new way to be together now that theweather had announced the need for change.

Judith: Why did you snap at me? I didn't do anything.
Jim: You were silent for so long, I thought...
Judith: (defensively) I was just thinking!
Jim: Well, why didn't you say so? I thought you hated my idea.
Judith: You didn't have to take my silence personally.
Jim: You looked sullen, it made me feel insecure.
Judith: Insecure! Are you kidding!!?? Really? I thought you were punishing me because I didn't respond immediately. I felt attacked.

The thorny nettles of deep truth were weeding their way into theopen. Would we use them to hurt each other? Or would we treasure them as thekind of fertilzer necessary to help us grow the kind of love we wanted to share?

Digging into our conversation with curiosity and back-and-forth clarification, we slowly unearthed layers of compassion for oneanother's injuries. Our growing awareness brought us much closer and eased the pain of oldwounds that accompanied us on this intimate adventure.

What started out as a "stupid misunderstanding" in a hotel lobbyturned out to be the profound seedling of deepest romance, richer love, andsweet sympathy for one another. It guided the rest of our trip home andinforms our marriage all these years later.

We had indeed opened a can of worms. But just the kind that every gardener hopes for-those that produce rich, robust fertilizer fromdigesting whatever they take in.

And conflict is like fertilizer-it may not smell good but in the endit gives you a really colorful and robust crop.

Sadly, most people avoid fertilizing their love, afraid they'llcreate root rot instead of revitalized soil. But that's because they've neverknown how important conflict is to their own self-development, healing, andgerminaion of new life. When people avoid clashing, they prohibit the growth oflove and they avoid the spiritual learning that love was intended to provide.

You see, at the center of an established relationship, a couple'sgarden plot will have well defined and agreed upon boundaries and support structures. Inside the garden it's weeded, watered, and well tended.Everything is running smoothly and growing well. But out beyond the limits of theirgarden, it's nothing but wilderness.

And when you get into the wilderness of your relationship, you don'tknow what the lay of the land is, you don't know what's going on with eachother, and you can easily crash into each other. That's where most conflicts occur-where the wilderness needs to be cultivated to become more of yourgarden.

A conflict is like an SOS. It's saying, "Listen, this clash of differences is just telling you that change is required. And the changewill domesticate more of your wild territory, so that your garden can become larger andmore beautiful."

No clash is one-sided. When the beans and zucchini feel invaded byeach other's expansive growth, they each have a solid complaint. Likewise,each person in a conflict has a point of view that needs to be takenseriously. And each is similar to a plant species-it needs unique soil, moisture,pruning, and sunlight-and, to some degree, that's always what each one is fightingfor.

But out of ignorance, most people ignore each other's differingneeds and then try to force the other to give up being different. It's like tryingto get a rose to grow in the desert or a pine tree to take root in sand. Itnever works.

But when you use conflict as fertilizer, to learn more aboutyourself and each other- especially at deeper levels of emotional experience-then youboth feel recognized and understood for who you really are. You thenfind yourself wanting to change, wanting to provide more appropriateconditions for each other's development, and for the growth of your love.

When you love more fully through the process of conflict, youare changed. When you are loved as the result of healthy conflict, you arechanged. Just like with nature's spring flower festival, the more attention youpay to resolving weeds, mites, and beetle bugs, the more beautiful grows yourgarden of love.

Fertilize your love and the blessing of being together.
Fight well. Fight fair. Fight to know each other better and better.
Fight to grow the love you share.
Only then can you continually turn over new soil, creating and cultivating the very best growing conditions for your love.

Husband-and-wife psychology team Judith Sherven, Ph.D. and Jim Sniechowski, Ph.D., are the bestselling authors of Be Loved for Who You Really Are as well as two other relationship books. Theynamed their company The Magic of Differences because at the heart of their work is themessage that embracing differences is the key to successful loving and living.Their corporate trainings and relationship workshops demonstrate the groundbreaking personal and professional benefits available when peoplelearn to respect and value the differences between them. As guest experts they'vebeen on over 800 television and radio shows including Oprah, The O'ReillyFactor, 48 Hours, Canada AM, and The View. Visit their website at www.themagicofdifferences.com

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