Jim Sniechowski and Judith Sherven Relationship Article

May 2008 Issue --> Relationship Article

Conflicts Can Be Romantic?

By: Jim Sniechowski and Judith Sherven

Romantic conflicts are as common as . . .

Chores, Money, Sex, In laws, Holidays, Feeling Ignored, Vacations, Disciplining the Children, Enough Time Together, Lack of Listening, Dirty Fighting, The "Right Way" to Do Things, "You Just Don't Get It," and on and on . . .

And you've got your own unique trouble spots that make conflicts even more conusing.

That's why we offer 5 keys to a romantic outcome, when you know how to resolve your conflicts in a way that benefits each of you, and your relationship.

1) You Are Both Right: each of you brings some piece of the truth about the conflict and You Are Both Wrong: each of you brings some distortion. If there were no distortion there would be no conflict.

Furthermore, you are dead wrong if you believe that your lover's point of view is "ridiculous" or "stupid" or any other dismissive comment. That denies your partner's right to be unique in their own right.

Remember, the other person is not you. And your conflict is simply a natural outcome of your differences clashing.

2) There's Magic in Your Differences

Because each of you is unique, you won't always see things the same way. That's guaranteed! But there is powerful and very romantic magic in your differing points of view.

How?

When you find yourselves in conflict, that's the chance to come together to find a resolution that enhances the well being of your relationship. That will always produce a richer, deeper, and more intimate understanding of yourselves, each other, and your life together. That's the magical value of conflict.

3) Don't Try To Win!

Why would you want to triumph over the person you love? No one likes to lose and the winner never really wins because the other person just gets you back in the end anyway. Where's the prize in that?

A conflict is like an SOS, a signal that something's not working and must be attended to. This view of conflict offers the chance for you both to get your feelings and needs on the table so you can examine what needs to be changed for the benefit of your being together.

4) Give Up Me Me Me And That Goes For Both Of You!

We all have the impulse to think that our way is the right way. The only right way. But a relationship offers the magical and spiritual opportunity to grow beyond that adolescent point of view to learn to include your partner.

There's a paradox in that because the more you can listen to and understand your partner, the more you will be heard and understood. When you stop focusing exclusively on you, more of what you want will be available.

5) You Get to Be Loved for Who You Really Are

When you resolve conflicts, keeping the well being of your relationship as your primary goal, you continually rejoice in being together as individuals. Each of you remains unique in your own way, committed to being present, and, at the same time, you increasingly learn to include your partner's ways of feeling, thinking, and behaving.

You keep discovering that you feel closer and closer for having worked through whatever conflict you just ran into. And increasingly you can trust that you are loved for being who you really are.

Now that's romantic.

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To receive Judith & Jim's no-cost, one-hour audio download "The Promise of Conflict" just go to: www.judithandjim.com/conflict

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Conflicts Can Be Romantic? by Jim Sniechowski and Judith Sherven

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