Barbara Wright Abernathy Relationship Article

March 2005 Issue --> Relationship Article

Release is the Best Revenge

By: Barbara Wright Abernathy

When a love relationship ends we all experience some pain. It’s a natural consequence of going through an unwanted change in your life. With time and patience you can regain your footing and get back into dating. But what if you can’t get your old love out of your mind even as you start to date someone new?

Your attachment to your ex may seem stronger than it really is because of the confusion of your conflicting emotions. He or she hurt you, yet you still give attention to them in your mind and heart.

Stuck, But Safe
This is your ego’s way of keeping you safely attached to familiar feelings even though they are painful. As long as the old love occupies some place in your heart, you won't have room for another. You are stuck, but safe. You can avoid the discomfort and the challenge of developing new relationship.

Shutting the door on those feelings won’t work; that just sends them deeper into your unconscious mind where you think they won’t affect you any more. Your unconscious will then find ways to sabotage your new relationship. The solution is to open the door and release that person and all the old feelings connected with them, good and bad.

Forgiveness? Fuhgeddaboudit!
Some people will say that you need to forgive them. The idea of forgiveness is difficult for most of us. We feel justified in feeling anger and hurt over the pain another caused us. If we forgive, then it’s like saying to that person, “You hurt me, but I’m going to let you get away with it.” Forgiving focuses on the other person, who usually doesn't deserve it and doesn't care.

The idea of releasing is easier to accept because it doesn’t discount the wrong that was done to you and the pain you suffered as a result. By holding on to the old feelings and mentally replaying them, you keep them alive.

The irony is that the person who hurt you has moved on and isn’t thinking about you at all! He or she may have hurt you once, but now your mind is tricking you into re-living the hurt over and over! And worst of all, you are doing it to yourself!

Release Is the Best Revenge
That’s why the best revenge in a situation like this is to make a firm decision to release the old thoughts and feelings. Let them go and give them no more of your attention. Open the door wide and boot him or her out of your mind!

Should thoughts about them come up again you have to have enough awareness and self-discipline not to give in to your old habits. Remind yourself that you have released them. The old emotional reactions will lessen and gradually disappear if you don't feed them with your attention. Put all your attention on what you desire – like your new date!

Release Rituals
Performing a symbolic physical action of some sort will help you reinforce the decision you have made to release them. Some like to create a whole ceremony with other people as witnesses. But you can do something as simple as writing their name on a piece of paper and burning it, or throwing it into a river or ocean.

If you really want to have some fun with this release process, write their name on a piece of masking tape and put it on the sole of your shoe. All day long you can stomp around on them and smile. At night remove what's left of the tape and flush it down the toilet! That person is now gone from your heart forever! And you are free to go forward and love again.

Barbara Wright Abernathy Author of Venus On Top: Women Who Are Born to Lead and the Men Who Love Them. Read FREE chapters and get your FREE report-3 Biggest Mistakes People Make While Dating at http://www.VenusOnTop.com

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